Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
You Might Also Like
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son: