them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
You Might Also Like
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Spider-cat: No One Home
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
We need more people like this.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.