Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
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There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
I’m going to need a moment here.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Customize Your Wedding.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off