Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
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For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Spring of Deception
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.