Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
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People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
“What would you say is your greatest strength?
I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.