Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
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“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.