Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.

Me: this is my service burrito.

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Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.


People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.


“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.


[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?

I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.


No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.


The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.


Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.


I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.


You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.