Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
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cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot