Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
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[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.