Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
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gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.