Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
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You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
do u think theres a butter planet?
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.