them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
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Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Good morning, Twitter x
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
“TGIM!” – My liver
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
12. I think about this all the damn time
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right