Them: The tables have turned
Me: HOW CAN YOU TELL, THEY ARE CIRCLES
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Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.