Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
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Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.