Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
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My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.