them: ugh, could you be more annoying
me: oh god, yes
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It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Poetry is my passion
