them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
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Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Good morning.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.