Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
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Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”