Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
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So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Mmmm canned fish.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty