Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
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My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
We like the way Dwight thinks
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.