Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
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[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
oh my god
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.