them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
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Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
How to properly lift a body
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by