Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
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In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
A new level of troll.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”