Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
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if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.