Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
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Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.