Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
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Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]