Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
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Extremely relatable.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”