Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
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Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.