Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
You Might Also Like
#inspiration #foodforthought
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
#MeanwhileInCanada
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.