Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
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*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.