Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
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Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.