Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
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Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.