THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
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Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.