them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
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When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Welcome to the stomach
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
I missed you with all my darts
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
Van Gone
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Canada has crack?
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.