Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
You Might Also Like
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Feels like the fourth month in January
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.