THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
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Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.