@LizHackett

THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.

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@Jake_Vig

“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”

– oscillating fans

@tyiepo

Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”

Yeah, don’t do that.

@AtticusKiddo

I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.

@My_Higherness

Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.

@RS3Feed

I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.

@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”

@zacharyflynn

Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.

@grammar_cunt

“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”

@texasstalkermom

That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.