THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.

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“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”

– oscillating fans


Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”

Yeah, don’t do that.


I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.


Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.


I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.


Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”


Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.


“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”


That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.