Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
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I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Life is a suicide mission.
I hate everything
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
This is not me but this is me
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no