Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
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me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
I鈥檝e just checked and there鈥檚 no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we鈥檙e good to go.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Two types of dogs.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Jail
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow鈥檚 feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
A level of petty I can get with 馃ぃ
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That鈥檚 my fault. We鈥檒l try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
wtf is a larm clock?
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira鈥檚 hips have the same reputation
What the hell happened here.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Oh, you didn鈥檛 have any taste before Covid either, honey
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol