Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
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Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions