Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
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Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed