Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
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HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
tub, pail, can, vat, jug, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, bowl…
…. making a bucket list
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Breaking news:
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”