Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
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*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order