Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
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Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
multitasking lunch
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions: