Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
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Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Every work meeting this week
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony