Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
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Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over