Them: You should try keto
Me:
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If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.