Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
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Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.