Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
You Might Also Like
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.