them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
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worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.