Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
You Might Also Like
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Yes my dude
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.