@MomOnFire

Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.

T: You need a break
M: Yes.

T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?

T: Hell no.

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@GrantTanaka

they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had

@mrtruthandsoul

5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.

@ch000ch

[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.

@sixfootcandy

CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.

Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.

@Try2StopME

He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?

She: Roger

He: Does he bite?

She: No

He: How does he eat then?

@chuuew

DATE: I love heavy metal

ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium

@MichaelTrying

Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.

@riot4rach

If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM

@sween

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.