they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Them: You’re burnt out.
T: You need a break
T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?
T: Hell no.
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5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
He: Does he bite?
He: How does he eat then?
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.