@GrantTanaka they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
@MomOnFire Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
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@GrantTanaka 
@mrtruthandsoul 5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
@Yankeegiant72 … and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
@ch000ch [slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
@sixfootcandy CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
@Try2StopME He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
@chuuew DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
@MichaelTrying Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
@riot4rach If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
@sween If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.