Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
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Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)