Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
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I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Looking at you, Jesus.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Very problematic
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus